The Courage To Ask For Help

How often do you ask for help? How do you feel when you do ask for help? It seems many of us have a difficult time reaching out to others, especially in a time of need.

I recently had a student who just graduated from college ask me for help, and her first words were, “I’ve finally gathered up my courage to reach out to you for some advice…” Her message hit home for me because so many of us, me included, have a difficult time asking for help.

The interesting thing is that, when we do ask for help, we often get what we want much faster. For instance, the student who reached out to me was looking for a job. I emailed my friend who is a Creative Director in an advertising agency, and he plans to set up an interview with her. If she had never reached out to me, I would have never known to connect her with my friend in the industry.

So many of us are afraid to ask for help because we feel like our desires don’t matter to other people, or that we don’t want to be a burden to others.  So we push through the situation, determined to do it on our own. Asking for help, both in the physical and spiritual sense, is one of the fastest ways to get what you want. But even though we may consciously know this, many of still can’t move forward and find the courage to ask for help.

What is it about leaning on someone else that brings us so much anxiety?

For one, we are never taught how to lean on others. Our culture has trained us to be independent and “figure things out,” which we are taught is the ultimate form of strength. In addition to that, for many, there seems to be an implication of weakness when we think about reaching out for support.

Sometimes the thought of asking for help can bring up insecurities, thoughts of rejection, and fears rooted in our own feelings of unworthiness.

If you have a hard time asking for help, maybe you find yourself saying something like this:

I don’t need help

Asking for help is a sign of weakness

I’d feel guilty if I asked for help

I don’t want to be a pest

I don’t want them to think I am needy

I should be able to do it on my own

In doing research for my next book The Mental Makeover, I studied human behavior and found that there are common factors that play into why we don’t reach out for help. It isn’t so much about why we don’t reach out to others, as much as it is why we are more comfortable being stuck, afraid and lonely.

If you have a difficult time reaching out to others for support, consider these factors.

Don’t Be Afraid to Show You are Lonely

According to a recent study, 40 percent of adults said they were lonely, which is up from 20 percent in the 1980s. You may be wondering what loneliness has to do with not asking for help. When we don’t reach out for help, we actually create a sense of separation from others which fuels our loneliness and can often lead to guilt, addictions and depression.

Not reaching out for help can be rooted in insecurity, but it is also creating a connection crisis. So many of us let the fear of rejection keep us from reaching out that it backfires and creates a dark shadow of loneliness over our desires.

In a society that judges us based on how expansive our social networks appear, admitting we are lonely is difficult to confess. It can feel shameful, and therefore asking for help would show that we can’t do it on our own and would amplify the notion that we are lonely and helpless.

Address Your Fear of Being Unloved

Sometimes we hide behind cynicism and pride, or we strive to remain emotionally strong.  People who are afraid of asking for help, not only fear rejection, but also really fear being unloved. We assume that if someone says “no” it means they don’t care about us. Our brains will rationalize that asking for help requires someone else to do something for us, and that can ultimately bring up our insecurities and feelings of unworthiness, pain and low self-esteem.

The best way to move through this situation is to tap into your own reason why you are reaching out for help. Is it because you need assistance, support or guidance?  If so, focus on the big picture and let your heart guide the situation.

Address Your Fear of the Unknown

We also fear losing control. It is often easier to stay safe and work really hard on our own plan, than it is to reach out into the big sea of the unknown. When we ask for help, we can’t be sure of the outcome. This can feed our fear of the unknown and prevent us from moving forward toward our goal.

The best way to move through this situation is to get comfortable outside of your comfort zone. Learn to see that the unknown is not always scary. In fact, visualizing what you want can help you move through the “unknown” more quickly.

Allow Yourself to Receive

Peeling the layers back even more, I was able to see that asking for help is not a social issue as much as a personal reflection of feeling unworthy and unable to receive.

Many of us are great givers, but when it comes to receiving we deflect. You can tell is you are a giver rather than a receiver if you deflect compliments or shy away from praise.

Opening yourself up to receiving can sometimes feel uncomfortable, especially if we have spent our life trying to please others by giving. Learning to and allowing yourself to receive help is a blessing to you and to the person who is helping you.

Turn “Me, Me, Me” into How can I Help “We”

Here is the thing; people are starving for recognition and acknowledgement. When you reach out to another person, you actually have an opportunity to bridge the gaps that separates us. By going to another person you can acknowledge their worth and focus on “we” instead of “me”.

Many of us stress out about asking for help because it feels like we are trying to “get” something. When we can ask another person, “How can I help you, as you help me,” it becomes a balance of support and true recognition.

Show Your Vulnerable Side

So many of us are afraid of being rejected that we don’t actually put ourselves out at all. Whether it is asking for a work promotion, support with a project, or advice from a friend, asking for help becomes a daunting task fueled with anxiety and fear. We put up emotional walls to help us feel protected. In essence, we are terrified of letting anyone in; being vulnerable is foreign, therefore it is uncomfortable.

Whatever it is that is stopping you from letting others in, try this challenge

Ask two different people for help this week. Let me know how it felt and what the results were.

You can leave your comments below. 

Photo by: Solene Lombardo visit her website Connect with her: Facebook Page