The Single Biggest Threat To Happiness

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On our journey to happiness and trying to achieve our goals, we often fall into comparison mode. Whether we compare ourselves to other people – how they seem happier, skinnier, smarter, and more with it than us – or we compare ourselves to an older version of our own self, “I was so much skinnier back then”, or “I used to make so much money, and now I am laid off, in debt and broke”, or whatever the form of comparison, it is a  drop dead invitation to Un-Pleasantville. It robs us of our joy like a kidnapper stealing candy from a baby.

Comparisons sneak up out of nowhere and smack us into depression. This habit hinders our happiness more than any other self-sabotaging technique. Comparisons are sneaky, cunning and manipulative. They will walk around with us and rule our thoughts if we are not careful. If we want to find lasting happiness, we need to look at comparisons for what they really are, quite simply fear, and address the underlying issue. This is why it is essential to look at how comparisons are playing a role in our lives.

When we look at the outside of any situation it is safe to make assumptions.  These assumptions are often ego projections that cater to our own insecurities. We think that because someone else got a raise, someone just had their second child, or their children our doing better in school than ours, that they must be happier, richer, smarter or prettier than us. Our ego will balance out the thoughts with “You are not worthy, pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, well, ENOUGH!” Honestly we can go our entire life thinking that other people have it all figured out, but this is really just a story we create based on only a small fraction of the real picture.

The tweetable truth: “Comparison is brutal attack on our own self, a story that separates us from love.”

I realized the effects comparisons have on our emotional well-being and friendships when a dear friend texted me the other day. He said, “I am so proud of you and all your amazing accomplishments. Your life looks amazing and you seem so happy.” Funnily enough, when I received that text I was actually in a moment of despair, and crying from my own self pity. I was feeling very out of alignment with myself. Of course I have the tools to pull myself out of that pit, but part of being human is being in our stuff. He was commenting on my social media presence, and how he hears from mutual friends how well I am doing. The thing is, I don’t post to my page or share when I am having an anxiety attack or when I feel lousy and unworthy, do you?  This happens a lot because I am human. Believing what we see can be a trap. A giant thorny, painful TRAP!

When his text came through, I thought to myself, “Sure my life may look amazing, but right now it doesn’t feel that way.” This was a pivotal moment in my exploration of self.  It helped my recognize that no matter what we do, being happy is never going to come from trying to “look” good on paper, or trying to “look” good for others. I know that it doesn’t matter what our life “looks” life, it matters what being in our life feels like.

Those people we compare ourselves to may look happy, but at moments in their life, they too don’t feel happy, so we are comparing ourselves to an illusion. These illusions separate us from reaching our own desires. We fall victim to the stories and illusions that other people are happier than we are.

If you fall into comparison mode, check yourself before you wreck yourself with these tips.

Evaluating others based on their social media updates keeps you in fantasy land.

Here is the truth…everything we see in life is a carefully constructed version and protected view of how the author wants to be received. Judging someone based on his or her status update and outward projection is keeping you in a dream state, where an illusion of separation is amplified because of a “pretty painted picture.” Recognize that updates have nothing to do with the person’s entire life. I am getting ready to move to Hawaii to finish my next book, and so many people have said your life is like a fairy tail. What they don’t know is my decision to move to Hawaii is a result of desperation combined with inspiration,  and my need to pull out of a depression to find my happy… again. The best gift you can give yourself is to not judge others choices based on a fraction of the view. There is always a much bigger picture underneath the surface. We share what we want to when it feels right. Evaluating or judging that keeps us from focusing on our own joy. Just do you.

There is no super human, we all hurt, we all feel pain, and everyone has moments of insecurity….

When you fall into comparison mode, in any area of your life, remember this truth:

We never truly have any idea what someone else is going through. We have no idea what their life is like on this inside, when the door is locked, the blinds are down and the computer is turned off. We have no idea what they really think and feel behind closed doors, and the only way to truly get past comparison mode is to recognize that everyone has moments of insecurity, of depression, fear, and loneliness. Judging your own life in comparison to another person only hurts you. When you put others on a pedestal, it makes you feel “less than”. This hurts you and your ability to manifest your dreams.

The grass is only greener where you water it. 

The grass seems to be greener on everyone else’s lawn, but when we are invited into their homes we often see the true color of that grass. This means that until you truly live inside someone else’s house, you cannot see the power of what they really have going on. Many times that iridescent green grass is really full of weeds, or it desperately needs more water.  At other times it may be greener, but if you are not standing right in the middle of it, you will never know for sure. We will never know and that is okay. Comparing ourselves to others is a common habit that hinders our happiness but when we return to our own self we can combat the comparison blues.

This mantra can help you if you fall into comparison mode:

“I focus on my strengths and honor my true self. My journey is unfolding perfectly, and I trust divine order.”

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P.S. If you want to compassionatly quit the comparison trap check out my Find Your Happy Group Coaching starting Feb 26.

Photo by Tara Mullarkey