Over the past several months there has been a theme in my coaching and mentor sessions, which also seems to be the energy across the planet: anger. So many say, “I am so angry, it is so uncomfortable, it is too intense.” Anger is one of the most avoidant feelings, in part because it is so dense, so many of us avoid it. But we live in a time of extremes, where we see what happens when people lead with anger versus those who don’t have healthy outlets of expression.
So much parenting advice in current culture tells children to suppress their anger. From very young, we are all taught that rage is bad. If you are like me, you grew up thinking something was wrong with you if you felt anything outside of happy or content, so you stopped feeling angry and masked it. Most of us learn to hide and suppress certain feelings so we can fit in and be told we are good. After all, who wants to be wrong, bad, or a menace to the family or society?
But when you are an empath, or highly sensitive person (HSP), or even a water astrological sign (Pisces anyone?), you most likely process life through your emotions, and you pick up on others’ emotions easily. As someone who learned at a young age to suppress her feelings to keep the peace, I became a people pleaser. After decades of people pleasing and putting others’ needs before my own, I realized I had a lot of internal sadness masking anger. I silently felt resentment toward others, because I felt like I was giving more, doing more, and trying harder in the relationships. But to be a good girl and make sure I am liked, don’t express anger or share your true feelings. If I did, I would be disliked, abandoned, or left behind. This is the pattern of most people pleasers. Until we hit our breaking point. It took me almost four decades of being a people pleaser and only seeing the good in people to hit my breaking point. The abuse and disrespect got so bad that I finally said enough is enough.
Like a lion coming out of its slumber, I had finally hit my breaking point, and the anger was out and fueling my every move. But this anger was one of protection, one of deep self-love, for what I valued most had been threatened. What I care most about, you, my readers, my business, my retreat goers, and coaching clients was intentionally violated. Someone who pretended to be a friend became a new business partner, but after investing months in the connection, it exploded and exposed their true agenda, to take and steal from me. They faked the entire friendship and business partnership for their own personal gain, as they never intended to follow through on any of the agreements, contracts or their word. Not only did they lie to me about the nature of our connection, they put my business in jeopardy and stole money, time, and energy from me, but they purposely misled, manipulated, falsified, and lied to me about who they were. But I don’t see this through a lens of victimhood, because I was part of the experience too. We always have a role to play in all outcomes. This isn’t about blame or shame, but learning.
It took me losing months of precious time, loads of money, and energy to realize the greatest gift, waking up to my true self-worth and a deeper sense of self-love. It took someone using me and my business for their own personal gain for me to finally say anger has a place here, and I will allow my anger to be expressed.
Letting the rage come to the surface in my own private company, was the most important thing for my mental, physical, and spiritual wellbeing, which led to transformational growth.
My anger saved me from staying in abusive connections and prevented me from more harm from narcissistic, selfish people.
By permitting myself to feel the anger, and process it silently in my own healing bubble, I was able to move away from the abusive, toxic people in my life and finally say, “Enough. I deserve better, and I will protect what is sacred to me.” The reality is there is a place for anger, and when processed healthily, it can save us from much more devasting situations. What is your relationship with anger? Do you have healthy ways to process it? In understanding my anger and working with it to help me heal and mend injustice and unfair situations, I was able to reclaim my own personal power and step into more self-love and inner peace.
There are many benefits to feeling our anger. Here are my favorites.
Anger can become a catalyst to more love
The energy of being mad, getting angry, and feeling hate was necessary for me to move away from the abuse and save myself from future harm. My anger was motivated by love. A protective mama bear showed up and started to stand up for what she holds most dear. Although these angry energies seemed heavy, I allowed myself to feel anger and this was motivated by a love for myself, and choosing to stand up for what is right and just for me. This is a courageous act of self-love.
Anger Helps You Nurture Your Wounded Inner Child
It’s as if my inner child, the one who was told she can’t do it, she’s too much, she is not enough. She is not allowed to feel a range of emotions, she’s not allowed to express herself: that little girl who had been silenced for over three decades, finally had someone looking out for her. Me. She was waiting for the world to come save her and protect her, but I had abandoned her every time I let someone disrespect me, or put their needs before my own in a selfish manner, at sacrifice of us. No longer would I allow anyone to take advantage of my kindness.
Your inner child needs you to be your own hero. Can you protect yourself and stand up for yourself? Little you needs you to have your own back.
Anger is an invitation to see what we value most
Our anger only wants an invitation, to be heard, to be felt and acknowledged. As we feel it, we free it and it can teach us what we value most. The anger will leave and we will return to love. Today I want to create a space where we can feel safe to understand our anger. Anger just wants an invitation to be seen, recognized, and understood. Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, that is when we want to check it. Anger is not about hurting others, seeking revenge, jealousy, or harming from rage. Anger can be an emotional barometer, showing us what we care about most and what feels most threatened.
Anger Is Boundary Defense
As Jess King, Peloton instructor says, “Personally I like anger. When I feel it, it lets me know something has come close to threatening my values.” Whether it’s internal or external, we have a chance to move it up the emotional spectrum. By feeling anger, we let it process in a healthy way. Sitting in the anger and letting it fester is okay for the moment, but identifying with the anger and making it part of your story or personality is often where we fall into darkness.
Sitting with Anger Is Safe
Sometimes it is good to sit in the anger because we spend so much of our life avoiding it, that feeling it is the radical act of courage. As we feel it, we process it. Feel into anger in healthy ways, which is about freeing yourself from the cage of mental angst and body blocks that unprocessed anger keeps you in.
Anger Is Often a Mask for Other Emotions Afraid to Be Felt
The anger we feel is almost always a front for sadness. Sadness of a loss. Loss of expectations, things not going the way we hoped. We may be mad because we feel violated, misunderstood, abused, used, betrayed, etc. All the feeling that lives within the anger spectrum is key to helping us know our worth.
Anger Is Neutral
Anger is not good or bad. In retrospect, from all layers of the emotional experience, it is just one emotion on the emotional wheel of life. Do your best to not label anger with judgment or negativity
A ritual for processing anger in a healthy way So often we grow up being told we can’t be angry, feeling anger is wrong. But this is a denial of the human spirit and wide range of emotions. We must let ourselves feel what needs to be felt. Step 1: Feel the Anger in Your Body Drop deep into the body, get out of the head, and let yourself feel the visceral experience of the anger. Step 2: Get Curious about It Where is it in your body? What sensations do you have? Step 3: Address the Anger Ask yourself, why are you here? What are you trying to protect? What do you want to show me? Step 4: Get in Touch with Your Inner Child Look at how your inner child is feeling triggered in the current situation. See if the anger is because some part of you feels threatened, uncared for, and/ or unsafe. Let your inner child know that you are here to protect you and you got this. You are here for both of you. Step 4: Thank the Anger Thank you for trying to protect me, but you don’t have to do it alone. I got us, I am here for us, and I have your back. Step 5: Reframe Anger We can reframe how we look at anger. What if instead of resisting it, we dove into it and let it fuel us? Let it light the fire inside, for it can be the match for the change we need to activate the next level of our wholeness. Step 6: Express Anger in an Inspired Manner Now ask your anger, how do you want to be embodied and expressed? Without causing harm or malice to any other being, you want to connect to your heart space and let love lead this process. You will not be in a space of revenge, jealousy, or hate. Instead, after going through this process, you will be able to work with the anger to help process and release it. Ask the anger, how do you best want to be expressed? It could inspire you to take a kickboxing class, go to an anger management workshop, write a song, listen to aggressive music, or write an article or blog like this, expressing your thoughts, do a video, or connect with a new person and share your feelings . . . Anger, like all emotions, just wants to be felt and understood. When we take the time to understand anger as a guiding force for realignment, we can come out stronger and/ or connected to our truest self. Let anger lead you to more love In closing, I invite you to get more curious about your own inner world. What have you been avoiding and afraid to address? What anger is suppressed and dying to be understood? Give yourself permission to free yourself from the burden of unprocessed pain. You deserve to be free of this heavy energy. May you move forward with more compassion and love.
And final thoughts, if your anger is caused by another person, the person who hurt you is in a cry for help. They are stuck in unconscious patterns. They are hurting and some may not know what they do. The less we can personalize the pain they caused us, the more we realize it is not about us or a direct attack on us, but they are doing this to others because of their own unprocessed pain. This is no excuse for abusive and toxic behavior, but if anything it can help you move away easier and protect yourself and your peace.
I’d love to hear in the comments what healthy way l you will choose to process your anger.
