Stop Taking Things Personally – Here’s How

We were in my parent’s kitchen when I told them I was invited to be on the local morning TV show. They wanted me to talk about depression after the wave of attention the mental illness received when Robin Williams died.

My father said, “Shouldn’t a doctor on mental illness be the guest for that topic?”

Just like that, it was clear that some of the people closest to me don’t know what I do for a living.

It wasn’t so long ago that my dad’s comment would have stung my core. I would have taken it personally. And I admit, for a brief moment, I fell into victim mode. After all, the topic of depression is the root of why I do what I do. Several years ago, I suffered from clinical depression and went on to overcome this dark period.

Since then, I’ve been on a mission to bring hope to the unhappy and heal pain. Those were dark, ugly, lonely years and I don’t wish that for anyone. Yet after writing a bestselling book on happiness and coaching and speaking to hundreds of people around the world about how to be happy and turn your pain into purpose, my dad still doesn’t know why I do what I do – or even what I do. The same goes for several close friends.

So standing in the kitchen, I had a choice. I could turn to frustration and pull in old fears. You don’t understand me. Or I could not take it personally and remember what people say and do has nothing to do with me. It is just a reflection of them. And that’s what I did.

Although the initial sting of unsupportive comments may feel harmful, I know my dad didn’t mean to hurt me with his remark. His words were not about my life’s work or me. They were simply a reflection of his beliefs and views of the world.

If you find yourself feeling unsupported or attacked by others, consider that you might be taking things personally. Because that is what hurts the most. It isn’t the situation, but our reaction to the situation that causes the most internal pain.

Sometimes we take things personally because we care so much. But I have learned taking things personally only hurts me. It is a lot like forgiveness. You may be reluctant to let go and forgive, but ultimately it will free you.

And learning how to not take things personally is easier than you may think. It is a reconditioning of thoughts and behaviors. When you adopt a new outlook on others, you will feel free from emotional pain caused by them.

3 Golden Rules for Not Taking Things Personally

1. It’s Not About You

When I first started my new career as a self-development author and coach, I would take it personally when friends and family didn’t show up to events or even read my book. Here I am several years later and most of them still have no idea what I do, nor have they ever read my book. They haven’t changed but I have. I no longer obsess over trying to get support from friends and family.

I do this work for me and to help those who want to heal their pain. My family and friends aren’t my target audience. Just because they haven’t read my book doesn’t mean they don’t’ love me. The same goes for you. Just because someone doesn’t call back or do something you want, it doesn’t mean they don’t love or care for you.

If you are taking things personally, take the emotion out of the situation and look at all the other ways they express love. Sometimes we want people to do what we would do for them. But that restricts us and prevents them from loving us in the best way they know how. 

2. Instead of Seeking Their Approval, Approve Yourself

Most of us try to get others onboard with our choices and dreams, because we want support and approval. Early in my career, I took everything especially personal when they didn’t show up to my events. I would think they didn’t approve of what I was doing. It wasn’t until I became confident in my own self that the outward search subsided. What I wanted the entire time was self-approval. The truth is when you approve of yourself and your ideas, you don’t need others to validate you.

3. Don’t Keep Score – Release The Past

If you take things personally, you may fall into “past replay mode.” This is when we think, They didn’t come to my event before. Or They never called me back. We take situations from the past and replay them in the present. It’s a way of keeping score, so we can feel validated in our pain. Instead of replaying situations from the past, release them. Forgive all involved and be present with yourself.

As always I would love to hear how these tips help or what you’ve tried to help stop taking things personally. Leave comments below.