Self-Sabotaging: How to Stop Getting in Your Own Way

Do you feel as if you are stuck in a self-sabotaging pattern and can’t break free?

Self-sabotage is one of the most harmful aspects of our life, not because it holds us back but because of the intense pressure and stress, we often put on ourselves for being off track, behind, “not having it figured out,” etc. The judgment and shame that often come with our habits and addictions can affect our entire physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being.

For years I self-sabotaged in romantic relationships. I would pick fights with significant others over silly little things and cause drama to push them away. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was acting from a place of insecurity and fear because I didn’t feel worthy of love. Of course, I didn’t know it at the time, but as I shared in my book The Self-Love Experiment, I was operating from a place of woundedness, but because I believed I was unlovable, no matter how much one loved me, my belief overshadowed the reality. I couldn’t feel it or see it because I was making choices with a belief that I wasn’t good enough.

Can you relate? Maybe you don’t self-sabotage in your romantic relationships, but maybe the self-sabotage shows up at work, right before you get the raise, or maybe you’ve just been promoted and don’t feel worthy of the new role, or you spend past your means, or maybe you have a perfectionist pattern where you refuse to launch your blog and podcast or finish that book because it isn’t perfect yet. Well you aren’t alone, self-sabotage, addictions, secret habits, come in many forms.

In this article:

• What is self-sabotage and how and why it can show up in your life
• Where does self-sabotage come from
• Reasons why we self-sabotage
• How to break the pattern
• Steps you can take to heal the self-sabotaging patterns holding you back

Self-sabotage can be rooted in feelings of worthlessness or fear of the unknown, even fear of success, and they can often harm our progress in life, our relationships and even our overall health.

A few ways self-sabotage can show up in your life. (See if you can relate to any of these.)

• Emotional or mindless/binge eating
• Not eating
• Not communicating your needs and desires with loved ones
• Procrastination
• Gossiping/complaining
• Overthinking/analyzing, being paralyzed by choice and never taking action
• Spending past your means, gambling, obsessive lottery play, etc.
• Creating drama in personal relationships or/ and at work
• Overindulging in alcohol, drugs and/ or sex
• Opting out of self-care
• People pleasing at sacrifice of self
• Saying yes when you want to say no
• Maintaining harmful or toxic relationships
• Over-scheduling and being busy all the time
• Refusing to ask for help when you need it
• Hording
• Ignoring or downplaying your natural talents, skills and gifts
• Settling and staying in your comfort zone
• Doing what is easy over what is best for you

Where does self-sabotage come from?

Most self-sabotage springs from our inner critic and unhealed  or unlived aspects of our self. As psych alive shares, “Our critical inner voice is formed from our early life experiences. Without realizing it, we tend to internalize attitudes that were directed toward us by parents or influential caretakers throughout our development. For example, if our parent saw us as lazy, we may grow up feeling useless or ineffective. We may then engage in self-sabotaging thoughts that tell us not to even try, i.e., “Why bother? You’ll never succeed anyway. You never follow through to get anything done.”

In a similar manner, children can internalize negative thoughts that their parents or early caretakers have toward themselves. If we grew up with a self-hating parent, who often viewed themselves as weak or a failure, we may grow up with similar self-sabotaging attitudes toward ourselves. For instance, if our parent felt critical of their appearance, we may take on similar insecurities without realizing it. We may feel easily self-conscious and less sure of ourselves in social or public situations.

We self-sabotage for so many reasons, but I’ve come to learn it boils down to our needs (and even our deepest desires) being unmet. It is almost always for protection from fear. As our ego self wants to protect us from the harsh aspects of the world, we will lean into our protection/ defense habits.

When we sabotage it is usually from a place within us that needs more healing.

Some other reasons include:

• Limiting beliefs of not feeling worthy or deserving of love
• Feeling undeserving of success, such as with impostor syndrome
• Asubconscious knowing you are not living your purpose or passion
• Low self-esteem; lack of belief in oneself
• Goals imposed by others or pressure to conform or fit in
• Fears: failure, change, rejection, success, the unknown, not being accepted or loved, etc.
• Internal conflicts or beliefs about yourself
• Fear of not living up to the expectations of others

How to break the self-sabotaging patterns

We can break the pattern by studying it and learning why it is present in our life. In my private coach practice I work with clients to uncover the needs so we can learn why the patterns persit. Because all self-sabotage serves an unmet need that we are trying to fill. When we get that need filled, the pattern often subsides and can even disappear entirely.

Here are some steps you can take to heal the self-sabotaging patterns holding you back.

Step 1: Identify the self-sabotaging pattern you’d like to heal

The first step is to identify which habit or pattern you would like to break free from and heal for good. Often we are aware of the habits, but we don’t make an effort or take an initiative toward solving them. If you have ignored them for so long, they may not even register as a problem as they have been ingrained into a pattern and habit that we continue on autopilot as a way of being. But chances are if you are reading this article, then you are sick and tired of self-sabotaging patterns and you want to be free of the destructive habit.

Start by repeating the mantras, “I am ready to be ready to release this pattern for good.” Often we don’t feel ready but being ready to be ready* can get you closer. You can also repeat the mantra from Louise Hay, “I am willing to live my life in new ways.”

Step 2: Pay attention to your triggers and observe your patterns that play out

As with most unwanted habits, self-sabotage often follows a predictable pattern. There is usually a situation that causes a reaction or impulse, which is a trigger. By observing your patterns, judgment free, but almost as if you were watching a movie and seeing characters act out a scene, you take a bird’s-eye, third-person approach so you can see the whole picture. Look at what leads up to the self-sabotaging habits. Is it the same time of day, or an automatic response to an unmet need, etc.?

For example, for years I would immediately grab a snack right after dinner. It didn’t matter if I was full—I would always reach for more food. I would grab popcorn, ice cream, anything really, more so out of habit and on autopilot. It wasn’t until I studied this pattern that I saw it as an automatic response to a childhood need for wanting to fit in and belong, a way to feel acknowledged. Often after dinner, my dad would automatically grab snacks, and in order to relate to him and spend more time with him, I too developed this habit. The problem is, as an adult living in my own space away from my folks, the need to be acknowledged and feel accepted was still present. So out of instinct, I would lean into the habit that was created at a young age to fill this need. Once I saw the need trying to be met, I was able to find other healthier ways to feel acknowledged. I started writing more, on my blog, and shared my perspective openly and honestly, I started to share my feelings with loved ones, and I spent more time in my community helping and connecting with others. When our core needs are met, the self-sabotaging patterns usually fall away.

Check-in with yourself, are you acting from habit and instinct to get a need met that wasn’t fully met as a child? Chances are, this is why your self-sabotaging habit is so hard to break. The inner younger you needs your care and wants to be nurtured and healed.

Step 3: Nurture your inner child

Awareness of your triggers will help you recognize your patterns so you can break the cycle, but if we ignore the inner child that is wounded, the one whose needs didn’t get met, the part of us that was ignored, neglected, abused, rejected, etc., then we will never fully heal our patterns. Understanding what you needed as a child and giving that to yourself as an adult will help to bridge the gap to the younger self who is still suffering from unmet needs. Give yourself what you never got as a child. One way to do this is to ask yourself what you currently need but are not getting? Maybe it’s recognition, validation or approval. Pull out your pen and paper, and journal on this: Identify the core things you want but feel you are lacking in life, then take a proactive approach to see how you can give yourself those things first. Then watch how your life shifts and things start to open up and work in your favor.

Step 4: Ask yourself, are you acting from a wounded or warrior place?

In my one-on-one coaching practice, I had a client last week who wanted to end self-sabotage for good. Oftentimes people think there is one easy way to fix our problems, but I shared in the session that seeing self-sabotaging habits as a “problem” is often the biggest problem because of the energic stress we put on them. We started by looking at the shame and blame and seeing ways we can release that emotional hold. When we take the shame, judgment and guilt away from our experience, we can move into a place of compassion and self-awareness, which opens the doors to greater understanding. We are no longer clouded by the emotional shadows. Rather we are free to observe the situation from a more honest perspective. When we act from a place of being a victim or a wounded place, we are often on autopilot from a trauma response.

Also pay attention to where you are negotiating with yourself or lying about the reality of those patterns and how much they impact your livelihood. Most of us are in denial about the harm they do until it gets so bad that we have to address it. The key to uncovering these patterns is to notice when you justify behaviors to yourself or others. Look closely at the thought patterns that lead up to the behavior response from the triggers. Rember to be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion. This is not a time to judge yourself or let your ego, aka inner critic, take over and bring you down. This is a time of healing and nurturing yourself by understanding what you’ve been afraid to address. Take your time and be kind to yourself.

Step 5: Practice radical self-love, compassion, and care

Focus next on small meaningful shifts in your habits. For example, after you’ve looked at the negative thoughts around the behavior, can you shift the mean things you say to yourself about the situation into more kind thoughts? Instead of “I suck so much, I did it again, I will never be free of this addiction,” etc., can you say to yourself, “Well today I consumed less than yesterday,” or “I was more aware of my habit as I was doing it than I have been before.” “I truly am doing the best I can,” etc. Start to celebrate the little victories and mini wins. Slowly, one step at a time, you will build yourself back up on a solid foundation.

Final tip: Focus on small subtle shifts instead of massive sweeping changes.

If I could leave you with one final thought, it would be to realize you are not broken, you are not off track and your habits and addictions do not define you. Start to see them as opportunities to learn more about yourself, and discover what you care most about and need in this world. And one final thought is to realize that our self-sabotaging patterns aren’t always bad. I don’t like to even call the self-sabotaging patterns problems, because there are times in our life where they can serve us. But there comes a tipping point where they can do more harm than good, this is when they are no longer helping us and it’s time to look at them, learn from them, so we can move forward in life, and free ourselves from the past.

For many of us at certain times in our life, they serve as a patch to keep us afloat when the demands and destructive aspects of life become too hard of a burden to carry. When we can step back and stop letting them define us, we can learn that they are tools to help us learn more about ourselves and heal. Always be kind and compassionate with yourself and trust you are doing the best you can. And most importantly, believe that freeing yourself from self-sabotage for good is possible and very likely when you trust in yourself and know you are worth it. Take care and enjoy the process of healing.

Did you like this content? If so, I’d love to hear in the comments which step you will try to help understand and heal your self-sabotaging patterns. Let me know below. I love hearing from you.

If you want to work with Shannon one-on-one see her programs here.

*Ready to be Ready concept is inspired by Abraham And Esther Hicks teaching.