Might as Well Face it You’re Addicted to Love

Are you a love addict? Do you crave attention from the opposite sex? Do you feel uncomfortable when you are single? Do you need to be in a relationship to feel secure and good about yourself? Welcome to the world of love addiction. Love addicts, like most addicts, are searching for something outside of themselves.

I use to fall in love really fast. I would lose myself in the relationship, desperate to do anything to please the other person. I was notorious for ignoring all of the red flags, and warning signs that the man was wrong for me. Love addicts tend to feel overwhelmed with loneliness whether they are in, or out of a relationship.

I have dated many love addicts, and danced around in the obsession myself. My desire to be connected was overpoweringly strong. I often stayed with people because I didn’t know how to say no. Like any healthy junkie, I would return to the relationship for my next fix, and out of guilt, and my fear of being alone, we would get back together.

The world of love addiction is a crispy, cold, dark place, because no matter what the other person does or says, you always end up feeling alone.

It wasn’t until my last serious relationship that I realized I might have a problem. I was obsessed with romance and the idea of love, but not truly “in love” with the person I was with.

In recognizing this pattern I saw that all of my relationships were similar. I had developed a high tolerance for suffering in each relationship. I would allow loneliness, dishonestly, neglect and insecurities to coexist in our partnerships.

As author of Eat,Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert says, “I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”

After 15 years of this dating cycle, it is time to change. In order to have real big honest love in my life, I need to be honest with myself. Which lead me to this one year sabbatical from men. No dating, no romantic love, gulp, for one entire year. If Elizabeth Gilbert can do it, so can I. Rather than using another person to make me feel whole, I will dedicate my time to falling in love with me.

I know that the loneliness will creep in and overpower my moments. But never again will I allow myself to numb my own insecurities in search of something outside of me, to fill me up. All of the answers that I am seeking are inside of myself. I just need to love myself enough to take the time to listen. In fact, one entire year to really listen and be present with me.

Taking a break from dating is the first step in recovering from any love addiction.

I recently coached an individual who had signs of love addiction. After recovering from this type of relationship myself, I was equipped to share with her the methods I used to pull myself out of this desperation, and into a place of expressive, free-flowing, healthy love.

Here are steps you can take to ride yourself of a love addiction.

Avoid Obsessing

Love addicts tend to see a fantasy of the person they are with rather than the real person. They say, “I love you” very early and often obsess over their partner. They will idealize their partner and act out in anger and frustration when they feel abandoned. If you are obsessing, the first step is to recognize this pattern. And rather than focusing on what the person is or isn’t doing, ask yourself, “How you really feel about them?” Many times we idealize the person and avoid looking at the real characteristics. Seeing the relationship for what it is, and not what it “could be,” is a way to lesson the relationship drama.

Face Your Fears

Love addicts greatest fear is abandonment and more surprisingly intimacy. Many love addicts pick strong individuals so they can feel safe and protected. But these strong types, are often closed off or unavailable emotionally, which further feeds the abusive behaviors.

Some love addicts often keep themselves at a distance; the core of who they are is sealed off from the relationship in fear of being rejected. If you relate, practice being vulnerable in a safe environment.

Get Cozy With You

Although it may feel like it, look at your fear and recognize that being alone does not equal death. Take yourself out on mini dates, alone, and practice being with you. Learn to love you for who you are and cultivate an amazing relationship with you. Give yourself as much time as you need to be comfortable with single  sexy you.

~ photo thelovelyaddict.com