When it comes to moving forward in life, fear is often what holds us back the most. Many of us are so used to living in a way that protects us from feeling the deep inner angst that comes with our deepest core wounds that we don’t even realize we are operating from a fractured place (aka the parts of us buried deep and stunted inside our body from unmet childhoods needs).
As a spiritual author, teacher and wellness leader, I’ve dedicated my life to personal growth and deep inner healing, yet I am never surprised when new layers emerge, as more healing is always revealing itself for all of us. To dedicate yourself to a life of personal growth and spiritual awakening means peeling back the layers of yourself, which in most cases you didn’t even know were part of your daily operating system. It’s been said often that every next level of your life will require a new level of you, and for most, this means a more healed, whole, healthy self.
But in order to get to wholeness, we have to address the fractured pieces within.
For me, it wasn’t until recently, after four decades of operating on autopilot from a wounded split self, that I discovered I have a core wound that unbeknown to me, has been driving my entire life, a fear of abandonment. This started the first day I was born, as a premature baby put into a plastic box for the first six weeks of my life. I was separate from the world, left out. This conditioned me to feel as if something must be wrong with me. I created the belief, “I am unlovable and don’t fit in.” This isn’t just my story, but many of us have a core wound of abandonment. It shows up in many forms. It’s pretty hard to grow up in our society without some type of abandonment wounds.
The following are some of the ways it can occur:
- Being torn away from mother at birth and put into a nursery, incubator, etc.
- Left to cry in a crib or playpen
- Given up for adoption or being left in foster care
- Being bullied, not fitting in or feeling left out at school
- Physically and/or sexually abused
- Emotionally abused—ignored, yelled at, shamed
- Pushed aside at the birth of a new sibling or family situation
- Having a parent or caregiver who is emotionally unavailable, dismissive and/ or neglectful
- Feeling unseen or misunderstood by parents or other caregivers
- Being lied to and manipulated for others’ gain
- Feeling unprotected by a parent or caregiver
- Death of a parent or close loved one at an earlier age
- Being left alone to take care of self for hours on end
- Divorce/ Breakup
- Being forgotten—not being picked up from school or other places
- Being left at a young age to care for oneself
- Etc.
How our core wounds affect our relationships with others.
When we are deeply wounded at a young age, we cannot handle the pain, so it is human nature to find ways to dissociate from the intense feelings. This is the split. We split away from our whole self and start to operate as a fraction of our true self.
Then, later in life, especially when we fall in love or get closer to a new person, these old wounds may become activated. This manifests into friction when our beloved gets angry, withdraws, gives attention to someone else, says mean things, doesn’t tell the truth, misunderstands us, etc.—and suddenly the pain that has been pushed aside all these years comes roaring to the surface.
We think that we are reacting to the present situation, but what is really happening is that the old, unhealed abandonment wound has been working its way to the surface and now is in full eruption mode. We might find ourselves suddenly enraged or falling apart with intense tears. If and when this happens, take a moment to realize this is an important time of deep healing.
These unprocessed emotions are coming to the surface so they can be transmuted from fear into love for good.
This process will help you heal so you can connect with your partner from a place of wholeness not woundedness.
Ways to recognize your core wounds:
Some ways you can heal from feeling unloved as a child include but are not limited to:
- Understanding your triggers and realizing how the past unhealed wounds play out in the present
- Engaging in inner child work with a coach, therapist or family consolation therapist
- Practicing self-care and self-love daily
- Setting boundaries and understanding your own needs vs. the other person’s
- Committing to returning to you and practicing inner peace
- Observing your past patterns to learn what you do and don’t want in life
- Journaling or reading interactive self-help books
- Positively reframing internalized beliefs (e.g., “I am unlovable” to “I deserve love and have a lot to give”)
- Building a community or/and join support groups with folks who share similar experiences
- Being patient and kind to yourself through the healing process
- Attending a spiritual wellness retreat
- Working with assisted plant medicine therapy or Shamanic healing work (i.e. MAPS, healing retreat centers.)
Recognize that doing this inner work is very healing and transformational. When you commit to showing up for yourself, you help raise the vibration on the planet. Your relationships will be stronger, deeper and more rewarding. Because no matter what you have been through, we are all here for the same reason. To grow and expand into more love.
Your soul is on a mission to expand in love.
Your higher self desires to bring consciousness further down into the lower vibrational frequencies of this dimension. The way it does this is through healing. Let yourself feel to heal. Remember that no matter what trauma or inner child wound you are working to heal, we all want the same thing, to be loved, give love and receive love. And to do this we must remove all barriers to love and oneness within ourself.
What I’ve found helpful for healing the abandonment wound:
Ground Yourself in Nature
Nature is the internal connector and healer to our innate divine nature. Ground yourself and breathe in the fresh air. Take in the majesty of nature as often as you can, as it can give you a sense of “oneness.” You may realize that you are not so alone. You are a part of this vast Universe and everything is interconnected.
Recognize Oneness in All
In recognizing we are one, and we are collectively united through our own spiritual body, as we are all part of the divine source energy. We can start to see that the fear of being abandoned is one of the ego, and not our truest self. Your authentic self knows there is no such thing as separation, yet your soul has come to earth to experience these lessons to grow into greater love.
Discover Home within Yourself
As you have a deeper bond with yourself, and your own inner child as well as your own higher self, you will naturally have deeper connections with others. But this can only happen when you stop searching for safety and comfort outside of you. Home is not a place outside but an awareness of the love you are within. It all starts at home with the SELF.
Self-Soothe from a Place of Self-Love
If you didn’t feel soothed as a child when you were feeling separated, isolated, left alone or hurt, it is likely you have not learned how to soothe yourself. This is when addictions, self-sabotaging habits, etc., can come in. Instead of turning to destructive habits, focus on soothing yourself with high-vibrational tools. Crystals, Epsom salt baths, yoga, nature, breathing, meditation, high-vibrational plant-based organic foods, etc.
Focus on things that regulate you and your nervous system. I personally love going for a walk in nature, getting into water, meditation, journaling and prayer.
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark—Invite In the Light
You have the power to take “darkness” and transmute it into light. You do this by bringing understanding, love and compassion to the experiences in your life that brought you the most pain and suffering. This is where you find your strength.
Face your feelings in the moment. Avoiding or ignoring your feelings will only intensify them. Instead, try being mindful and present with these feelings. As I share in my book Return to You, your feelings are gateways to your higher self. They contain information that can help you transform limitations and step into peace and wholeness.
The takeaway.
Many of us struggle with childhood wounds we don’t even know we have. These may cause rifts in our relationships and keep us feeling small. Practice these grounding, self-soothing techniques to begin to overcome these wounds and bring resolution to deep-rooted inner conflict.
I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Which patterns are you ready to heal and which steps will you take?
More Resources:
Watch segment on Afternoon Live on this topic here
Read full article on MindBodyGreen Here
* https://mhmatters.com/healing-the-abandonment-wounds/
Margaret Paul, Ph.D., is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You?”
Process from Rythmia Life Advancement Center
Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash
