How to Forgive in 3 Super Easy Steps

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It happens seemingly out of nowhere. You give your trust, time and energy to someone who turns out to be a different version of who you painted in your head.

Maybe they say something that stings the core of your heart, or they do something that confuses and hurts you. In comes the need to forgive, but forgiving someone who hurt you can sometimes be so damn hard.

We all have people we get angry with, but forgiving them and doing it sooner can help you move on much faster. Let’s get honest here. Forgiveness has nothing do with the other person. In fact, some situations don’t even warrant a verbal apology. It’s more an emotional release of the confines of anger. You forgive for you.

My life coaching clients often ask, “How can I forgive.” Unfortunately, we can’t manufacture forgiveness. It is a process. The better question to ask is, “When am I ready to let go?”

Forgiveness is a lot like moving on after a bad relationship. Holding onto the anger can sometimes help us feel righteous or empowered, but eventually we learn we are only hurting ourselves.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting. Most people think if we forgive than we forget. But we can never forget those who hurt us. We are the sum of all of our experiences, and some of our past experiences help shape our future.

Sometimes the universe will bring people, or situations into our life to help us get clear about what we don’t want. Instead of hanging on to what went wrong, be thankful for the experience and use the contrast to carve out your best case scenario for the future.

Here are three easy steps to help you forgive.

1. Feel Your Feelings

Get mad, yell, scream and even punch your pillow. So many people bypass the most essential step in the forgiveness process – letting it out – which is why we all walk around with the sinking sensation that we can’t forgive.

Feeling your emotions is essential to the process of moving on. If you are angry, feel it. What that person did to you totally bruised your ego, so feel that pain. Once you do, you can move through it much faster. But many folks try to take the high road, or we think it is “more spiritual” or “polite” or even “adult” to avoid the feelings. You are just doing yourself a disservice by ignoring your true emotions. During the process of feeling your feelings, try to limit or avoid your contact with the person you need to forgive. Sometimes in the flurry of rage, we say and do things we can’t take back. Allow yourself time to grieve separate from the situation.

2. What Goes Around Comes Around

How we treat others is how we feel inside. If someone disrespects you or treats you poorly, recognize it’s not about you. If you can, try to send them love. They are hurting inside.

What other people say and do is a reflection of them, not you. Most of the time, we feel hurt because we can’t understand why another person said or did what they did. We approach each situation from our own perspective, which means others do the same.

If they mistreated you, most likely you are not the first person to be burned in their wicked path. The situation is about them and their souls’ growth, which means you can stop taking it personally. What goes around comes around.

3. Look at the Give in Forgiveness

The word “give” is smack dab in the middle of forgiveness. This works two-fold. First look at where you over-gave in the situation. Most of us feel hurt by others when we overextend ourselves, with time, money or energy. In doing this, you may have sacrificed yourself and the real person you need to forgive is yourself.

The second aspect is to go into the situation and look at the gift the person or situation gave you. If you need to forgive, look at the situation as a whole and see what lessons you learned. This is the most advanced, but most rewarding aspect of forgiveness. When you can get to a place of learning, past all the turbulent emotions, you will set yourself free.

The less time you spend hating the people who hurt you, the more time you’ll have to love the people who love and respect you. Forgiveness isn’t about them. It’s about you freeing your heart and knowing you deserve better. Enjoy the journey of forgiveness and recognize it will happen when the time is right.

I’d love to hear what steps you will take to forgive in the comments below.

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