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Do you love someone who is down and out?
Maybe they are depressed, isolated or feeling lonely. When we start
to practice happiness and make it a way of living, we often want to share it with others. As we grow happier, we sometimes see people around us who aren’t as happy. It’s natural to try to help. We want to make them happy and bring them along to our newfound freedom. But the best way to help isn’t necessary trying to get them to be happy.
On my own journey several years ago, my doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression. At the time, listening to others who were happy was torture. I felt isolated, lonely and couldn’t figure out why they seemed so blissful. It made me feel more guilt and internal pain. It wasn’t until I was ready that things shifted for me.
Everyone has their own soul life lessons to experience. The pain others feel is part of their process and often their own unique purpose. All we can do is be there for others by loving them.
Today, I get a lot of questions from both coaching clients and readers who ask how they can help those who are less happy. My response is usually the same: we can’t help people who aren’t ready for help…but we can be there for them.
The key to helping a loved one who is not as happy as you is to release expectations of the relationship. Instead of expecting them to change or be happier, simply be there by listening and holding space for them.
These three tips can help as well.
1. Be the Example
The best way to help them is to be the example. It is like someone who has been struggling to lose weight for decades. When they see a friend who has managed to keep the weight off, they will inevitable reach out and ask how they did it. The same goes for your friends who are feeling blue. When you are positive and balanced, they will (when they are ready) reach out to you. You don’t need to force your new found beliefs onto them. Just be you and shine light as you are.
2. Help Yourself Before You Help Others
Think of how hard it is to change yourself. Trying to change someone else is next to impossible, which is why it is best to take the focus off of them. Instead of trying to make them happy, focus on your own happiness. When we focus our attention to loved ones who are hurting, we often want them to be better. We love them, so it is natural to extend these feelings. But make sure you aren’t trying to fix them. When we do that, it creates an imbalance of energy because we are coming to them to with an intention of them needing to get better. You don’t have to fix them. They aren’t broken. If you treat them as though they are, they will feel more isolated and this could prevent the healing process.
Instead of trying to make them better, turn your attention inward and ask what you are doing in your life to make things better for you. We have no control over other people, their emotions or their situations, but we can control our own reactions. Do yourself a favor and take the focus off of them so you can focus on you. Cleaning up your side of the street will inevitably help them. After all, we can’t help others if we aren’t showing up for ourselves.
3. Release Expectations
When you become happier, you want everyone else to come and join you. But when people are suffering in depression, hearing you is like a foreign language they can’t register. It’s difficult to process your happiness, so instead of trying to get them to join you, release the attachment to them feeling better. They will feel better when they are ready.
Each person has their own learning to do in this life. All you can do is be there and hold space, but don’t expect anything of them. Just continue to love yourself and share that love with them. They will feel appreciated when you allow them to just be and share.
Life is an ever-unfolding experience. When you show up for yourself fully, you can be there for loved ones. When you let go of them needing to be happy for you to be happy, you will feel free. Just be you and allow them to be where they are in this moment in time.
The best thing to do is to enjoy the journey and be there for others by loving them as they are.
I would love to hear from you, what has worked for you? How have you helped a loved one who is feeling blue?
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Thanks Shannon, for posting on this important topic, especially now as the holidays move in and a lot of folks end up taking a walk down depression alley. Let me say this to all who have a depressed loved one…if you have never been depressed, I mean really, really depressed, there is no way you can quite understand that they can’t just “snap out of it.” I have lived with depression most of my life and I remember the times I would fall into “the pit” after years of working on the whole situation and no matter how much my head knew that “this too shall pass”, that the depression eventually shifts, trying to get myself to believe that was next to impossible When one is in “the pit”, it all sucks, will always suck and there is nothing you can do or say that will change that erroneous perception. It is not true (for those of you who may be reading this who are doing the depression experience) but trying to get yourself to believe that is damn near impossible. I share this for both those who are suffering with depression and those who want to help them. Shannon is right in saying be there and love them without trying to change them. Listen w.o. judgment as much as possible. She is also spot-on when she says that no one makes changes until they have enough reasons and the burning desire to do so. You can’t put it there for them. They must come to that point themselves. Be the example is great advice but don’t “harp” about what you are doing, or have done to increase your happiness quotient until asked…just live it. Blessings to all…relief is totally possible…believe THAT!
Thank you Shannon. Just what I need. I think I was getting depressed because I wasnt seeing a change. But may be there was change that I wasn’t aware of. I needed to reach out and gain my power back, which I think Ive done. Not sure how to remain friends with him though, I feel there i always always a condition with him when we contact. I want t support him but not if wants something else.
Hope you can help.
kaye
Shannon:
We recently put my 94 year old father into a Retirement Home due to physical limitations. He is having a very very hard time adjusting to his new environment as he was in his own home for 65 years. I believe he is depressed mentally and physically. We try and visit and take him on road trips frequently and he seems better – but once returned to the residence he reverts back to complaining, aches and pains etc.
Our support doesn’t seem to be helping as it has now been over 3 months.
Do you have any suggestions.
Harrison
Hi harrison,
seems like you are in a very common predicament of these days. My dad is about 83 years. Keeps complaining of everything everyday. I guess it’s mainly because he does’nt have any of his children living with him as is the usual norm in india. But very very recently he has come to the understanding that everybody has a life of their own to live. He lives in his own house with a cook and a house keeper. ( complaing about the food!)
Is it not possible for you to hire someone to help your dad and keep him home.
our parent’s comfort and peace matters for us to keep our own lives moving smooth.
question to you all, what happens if the person that is depressed are the love of your life and no matter how much you want to be there they push you away and no matter what you do seems not enough. How do I solve ? Please I need help I really dono what to do and when I keep away it kills me when I’m with him it kills me.
Jo, I know it is tough. Hang in there. We can’t help people who aren’t ready to be helped. Sometimes the best way to be there for others is to first be there for yourself.