People pleasers often draw their self-worth from the approval of others but much of the wanting to appease and be there for others is not only because it makes us feel good to help others, people pleasing can also be a trauma response.
Many of us will use people-pleasing to calm difficulties or reduce the intensity of conflicts, or to feel more secure in relationships, with hopes of gaining the approval of others. But this is a codependent pattern that can keep us trapped in toxic relationships preventing us from seeing our true value and worth.
There is a difference between people pleasing in order to be liked (which stems from fears of abandonment or fear of rejection) there is also appeasing and tending to others in order to feel safe (fear of feeling unsafe, or past pains and traumas occurring again.) The problem is when we focus on tending to others to attempt to garner affection, acceptance, safety etc, no matter what the motivation, it is almost always at the sacrifice of self.
Codependent relationships are rooted in fixer energy and desperation. “I need this person to make me feel better,” or “I have the power to make this person feel better by my actions of helping, fixing etc.” “I will fix them or fix myself to be accepted, liked, and loved,” but this is still an outward focus on an internal angst.
The first step to healing codependent behaviors is to recognize you have them. And this requires a willingness to be self-aware and curious about your shadow sides. Going on a healing journey takes time, but connecting to nature, and new guidance support systems like spirit animals can help.
You can call on spirit animal helpers to guide you safely. These can help.
Orca
Orca reminds you to conserve your energy and refrain from allowing others’ agendas to impact your own path. The Orca spirit animal serves as a reminder that your creative spirit and imagination are among the greatest assets you have. Don’t give this power away.
ORCA’S AFFIRMATION: “I lead with my heart and trust that the outcome is for the highest good of all involved.”
Scorpion
Master of death and awakening, the scorpion lives in a state of transformation. Call upon this spirit animal to guide you to transition past fear through self-awareness. The Scorpion is here to invite you to look at your own toxic tendency’s and patterns of unhealthy behavior. Put down your defenses and allow your vulnerability to guide you forward.
SCORPION’S AFFIRMATION: “I examine all toxic tendencies. I am vulnerable with myself and others.”
Flamingo
In a gorgeous suit of vibrant pink feathers, the Flamingo wears their heart on their sleeve and is proud of their sensitive side. The Flamingo asks you to be more accepting and loving of yourself so you can receive love from others. Be gentle with yourself, see your beauty, and know your worth.
FLAMINGO’S AFFIRMATION: “I allow myself to give and receive the warmth of physical touch.”
Fox
There may be deceptive energy around you that is attempting to trick you into going down a path that does not align with your highest good. Be more discerning in relationships and look at where you are deceiving yourself and pretending things are better than they really are. You may be abandoning yourself in search of approval form others, pull back your energy and start to focus more on you.
FOX’S AFFIRMATION: “I am adaptable and find unique—even fun— solutions for old problems.”
Whale
Being connected and in touch with your emotions is sacred. There is wisdom in self-awareness, and the Whale’s spirit energy is inviting you to embrace your own wisdom to discern truth from illusion, facing discomforts head on. The Whale’s graceful guidance leads you to choose your own way, separate from the choices of those around you.
WHALE’S AFFIRMATION: “I am guided by my heart’s desires. I sing my song with ease.”
In closing:
Instead of people pleasing, a maladaptive way of creating safety in our connections with others by essentially mirroring the imagined expectations and desires of other people, start to focus on your own desires with self-love, honesty and care. Tend to the relationship with you and you will carve our healthier dynamic’s of mutual support, love and care.
Excerpt adapted from Guidance from Gaia Oracle by Shannon Kaiser, with permission by Beyond Words. Copyright 2024.
