One of the questions I get asked the most in workshops and from life coaching clients is around the topic of showing up for ourselves more. In fact here is a message I just got in my inbox the other day . . .
Dear Shannon,
I know it is important to take care of myself and want to live with more passion and joy, but I can’t help to wonder isn’t it selfish to put ourselves first?
Can you relate to this notion? We live in a culture and world that tells us going after what you want and focusing on yourself is super selfish and egotistical, cue in the narcissist and egomaniac. But the truth is, genuine self-love is not selfish at all, but true care and compassion that you give yourself. Narcissistic ego energy is rooted in selfishness and service to self, whereas real self-love is inspired by a service to help others. Know that when you care for yourself, you are able to best support those around you.
If you have ever felt like it is hard to put yourself first, then you will enjoy today’s resource. I go through the top differences between genuine self-love and ego-based selfish love.
Self-love is often very much misconstrued as selfishness in our culture, and that’s why today’s topic is so important.
Imagine a world where every single person really loved themselves. In this experience, there would be no more backstabbing, hate, manipulation, lies, violence, abuse, etc. We would really love ourselves because when you love yourself, you realize you’re loving others because we are connected. Here are some ways to tell the difference between real self-love and selfish self-centered love.
Self-Love Is from the Heart, whereas Selfish Love Is from the Head
There’s a layer to this that is really recognizing that love is love and it is never wrong. When you come to your personal growth journey from self-love, you’re actually looking at a journey. You’re looking at being better and improving yourself. Whereas true selfish people, people who are really only in it for themselves, who are very much in their ego, they’re not interested in developing. They’re usually not interested in growing as a person, and their selfish, controlling tendencies are like a protective mask that keeps them stunted in the world. And so the other thing you can think of is, self-love is about expansion, growth, and healing. This is true self-love. And selfish love is not inspired by this place but rather a protective fear-based place, of I need to project an image out that I am perfect and in control of everything, but this is built on false focuses.
Real self-love is from your heart, which is all about authenticity. It’s about appreciation; it’s about joy and connection. Whereas selfish love is from your head and the brain that really wants to control its outcome. The selfish part wants to manipulate others to play into the scenario, to create outcomes fueled by vain desires. Selfish love is coming from a place of I must win at all costs. So this is very different. Ask, “Is it coming from my heart or my head?”
Look at the Values
Self-love is really about being in integrity with your true self, while selfish love is not, as it is out of integrity with self. And when we act from this place, we are not living in accordance to our values. Genuine self-love is from a place of compassion, understanding, appreciation, love, connection, and joy. These are all very loving, heart-based experiences. But when you think of selfish love, it comes from a place of I want more control, more money, more power, more if mine energy. You know, these are values based from ego and head. And these are values based often from fear. Fear that I’m not going to have enough, that the world is out to get me, or owes me, that I must control and take in order to have my way.
Self-Love Is Holding Yourself Accountable and Committing to Growth and Healing
Real, genuine self-love is about seeing your role in situations, and taking accountability, such as healing yourself. And this could be anything and everything from showing up for videos or blogs like this, podcasts, life coaching, going deeper into your own inner child history and looking at your own wounds and your limiting beliefs, reading personal development or spiritual books, or any type of resource that you feel guided to, even working with mental health professionals, wellness coaches, therapists, doing different processes, or working with a life coach. All of this is a part of your self-love journey, and this is about holding yourself accountable to see how you showed up in the situation. Where selfish love is not at all about accountability. Selfish love will often do what it can to avoid responsibility.
Self-Love Is Inner Inspired, whereas Selfish Love Is Outer Focused
The influence of genuine, real self-love is not based on anything outside of you, but rather a desire from within. Your inner world reflects your outer world. That is what A Course in Miracles talks about. Even when we get to this place, we start to recognize that I must start to take care of myself on the inside. And this will manifest on the outside when I show up for myself. With real self-love, your inner world is actually driving this self-love practice, whereas selfish love is almost always based on outside circumstances, outside situations, basically on achievements, or on how the world and others will perceive them or perceive you. Self-love from a genuine place is I’m committed to me. I want to show up for me and feel good because I know that that is how I can best help everyone around me and how I can best help the planet. And selfish love is I need to achieve, to step on, and do what I can to get ahead. I don’t really care about others because I really want to look good in society from a place of “What is my image that I need to project and protect? What is my image?”
Genuine self-love is not image focused; it’s feeling focused. Whereas selfish love is 1,000,000% image focused. So those are some ways that we can decide and really, truly tap into the genuine nature of true self-love versus selfish love. I would love to hear in the comments what self-love is to you.
I’d love to hear in the comments, what self-love means to you.
Ready to go deeper. Check out these resources.
Podcast Awakened & Aligned Audio: Listen to this episode here
