Reasons We Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable People and How to Break Free

Emotionally unavailable people tend to struggle sharing their goals, regrets, wishes, hopes, and desires. Sometimes under the guise of being “private,” they have difficulty holding space for others when they share about themselves.  But in our modern world of relationships, when things don’t work out the way we hoped, it seems far too common to call out others as the main problem. The current culture has us labeling others and pushing them into a box, those who hurt us, become the narcissist, toxic, or we call them unavailable. Sure some people really fall into these categories, but the truth is, if we keep finding ourselves involved with these patterns and people, then we need to look at the common theme, us.

I speak from personal experience, spending years attracting unavailable men, finding myself heartbroken with the pattern of choosing people who wouldn’t choose me.  I had to ask why can’t I get my needs meet? I had to really look at my side of the street and ask why can’t I manifest lasting love?

Being attracted to emotionally unavailable, hard-to-read people is common. But you probably know how frustrating, painful, utterly lonely, or even unbearable it may be to not fully connect with the person you like. So why do you keep choosing emotionally distant people?

Some of these reasons may resonate with you.

Some Part of You Is Unavailable

It may be hard to admit, but chances are you are not fully available either. There could be hidden fears and unconscious beliefs driving your actions. Perhaps you consciously want commitment, but deep down you are terrified of intimacy, losing your sense of self or independence in the relationship, or you can’t fathom trying again for love and if it doesn’t work out, can you really live through another broken heart? As a result, it may feel safer to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable, because if they leave or hurt us, it is less painful than giving yourself fully to someone.

It’s Familiar

It’s possible one or both of your parents/ caretakers were emotionally unavailable, so it feels familiar to you. Your emotional needs were never met by the caretakers, so you learned to expect this as a form of love. Look at your earlier relationship with your parents. Maybe you felt rejected or dismissed or struggled to win their approval or recognition. Now as an adult you’re easily “hooked” when someone pushes these old insecurity buttons. You are drawn to them because this is how you learned “love.” The truth is, this is not love, and forgiveness is the path to freedom. Your parents did the best they could with what they knew, and had, at the time. When we do find a healthy, balanced partnership, it may feel foreign, boring, and unfamiliar. The opportunity is to recognize if your wounded self is making choices and picking partners, or are you able to operate from a place of more balance and self-awareness, and love?

You’re in Love with Romance

Thanks to Hollywood movies and Nicholas Sparks books, many of us (especially water signs) have an attachment to romance over love. So many of us become infatuated with the idea of romance, but when it comes to love, and doing the actual work to make a relationship last, we are terrified, and energetically this can be felt by others. We will run or attract a runner or an avoidant attachment partner who feeds into this narrative. If you find yourself fantasizing and future tripping about your current love interest, it’s possible romance is ringing. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a romantic partnership, but the real romance happens and can continue when you both decide to commit to the partnership and grow together. The romance can shift into a deeper intimacy, which can be more fulfilling if you allow yourself to dive deeper past infatuation.

You May Have Abandonment Wounds

Everything is a mirror. The people that you meet are only mirroring the lack of connection you have with your own inner self. When you meet unavailable people and chose to chase them, you are abandoning a piece of yourself in the process. This feeds into our abandonment wounds and unhealed parts of us that think we have to chase or give past our means, in order to earn and receive love.

You Are Afraid of Commitment, Losing Yourself, or Losing Your Freedom  

Many people are afraid of commitment—they fear both abandonment and engulfment and losing their sense of self. So often we say we want long-term love, but when we find a partner who we are compatible with, we start to question what we have to give up. The lifestyle, the routines to the patterns of freedom, etc., the parts our self and life that we have grown to feel secure in. Sometimes people become so comfortable with their lives that they are unable to make room for a romantic partner, let alone welcome change or emotional growth. The truth is, inviting a partner into your life will not hinder this part of your life but expand it. Because the right person will allow you to be you and want you to feel free within the connection of true love.

You’re a Fixer/ Healer

Chances are you have a big heart, you may be an empath, a sensitive soul, and a helper. You learned at a young age that one way to get extra attention and love from your caretakers was to help. Doing chores around the house and being there emotionally for the adult when they weren’t there for themselves are common behaviors we develop at a young age as the fixer archetype. It’s likely you will attract someone who has a traumatic past or who is wounded and healing, because the fixer/ healer in you sees this as an opportunity to give love in the form of “rescue.” You give love in the hope of trying to save or fix because this is the dynamic you learned in your younger years. The fix is to realize you are not responsible for others’ happiness. You can only focus on your own mental, physical, spiritual and emotional well-being.

You Don’t Trust Others

Chances are you have trust issues most often because you have been hurt in the past. Maybe you gave your heart only to be burned time and time again. So the walls come up and we say we are ready for long-term love, but we don’t trust it, or other people. You might have a fear of intimacy or being abandoned after disclosing vulnerabilities It’s possible you’ve shared your true self or feelings with someone in the past and it wasn’t reciprocated, or it did not feel as safe as you thought. There’s a way to create a new narrative around attracting healthy relationships.

By developing self-awareness, you can learn more about yourself and your behavior patterns. Because a much more rewarding approach to finding lasting love and meaningful relationships is nurturing emotional intimacy with someone who genuinely wants to get to know you and commit reciprocally.

How to Break Free of This Pattern

Self-awareness is important in breaking the cycle of attracting and living the same patterns. Start by identifying the ways in which you relate to from the above list. Then start to look at your beliefs around living a life that is more reciprocal, loving and abundant.

In my book Return to You: 11 Spiritual Lessons for Unshakable Inner Peace I share a process to help you connect to love ones from a place of wholeness and peace vs. struggle or need. No matter what, recognize that you are here to enjoy your life, not worry yourself through it. No matter what you are going through, peace can be your priority when you free yourself from destructive patterns and limitations and connecting to limitless freedom and self-love.