For the past several months I have been on a “dating detox.” I made a conscious choice to do this almost a year ago because it seemed I kept dating the same type of men…the kind that were completely wrong for me.
I would fall hard for the wrong person because my desire to be in a loving, committed relationship far exceeded any expectation of finding “the right” person.
I told myself my latest guy was right for me, but in every relationship I was extremely lonely.
I thought I was looking for love, but my pattern of staying with someone who was wrong for me proved that I was addicted to a type of sadness.
In my last serious relationship, I started to notice my patterns; for the first time in 16 years of dating, I saw that the men that I picked were not the problem, the problem was me, and my views about romantic love.
As much as I said I wanted to be with “The One,” inside I felt unworthy, unloved and ugly. Naturally, I would meet a man, we would fall madly in love, and soon enough the arguing would begin, and then I would feel a need to protect myself. So I would turn to the only thing that wouldn’t argue back – food! I literally ate my feelings.
In relationships I was like a puffer fish; when I felt threatened, I expanded. After gaining over 50 pounds in my last relationship, I was forced to recognize that my physical weight was merely a manifestation of my inner turmoil and that something had to change.
Staying with someone because of what you “hope you can be” is not a healthy or honest relationship.
Furthermore, staying with someone because you “want to be in a relationship” rather than being with someone because you “want to be with them” are two very different animals, and one of those animals can literally eat you alive. Although my weight was at its all time high, I was at my all time low. I became depressed, and the depression grew into self-hatred, pity and denial.
Obese, engaged in a disappearing act of self-esteem, and exhausted from fighting all the time, I picked up my shattered pieces and moved on to a hopeful, healthier future. I left everything I knew behind with one clear intention…to fall in love with the one person who truly matters in my life, me!
Over the past year I have made it my full time mission to become more authentic and connected to my true self.
If we don’t truly love ourselves, no romantic partnership can ever fill that void.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, I am surprised that I am happier than I have ever been. My weight is returning to normal and I feel more connected and in love with myself than I ever felt when I had a romantic Valentine.
Many people suffer this time of year because they wish they were in relationships. If you find yourself longing to be a couple because of Valentine’s Day, these tips can help you.
Do What You Love Daily
Remember, being single and happy is far better than being in a relationship that is wrong for you. You can choose to feel love by tapping into your own self worth and doing what you love daily. I always tell clients, do one thing your future self will thank you for. When you are single, it is a perfect time to start checking things off your bucket list. Book a solo trip to that place you have always wanted to go, learn that new language, take that cooking class, do what has been in your heart, but you have never given yourself permission to tackle. Now is the best time to do what you love, and do it daily.
Surrender to Your Feelings
Many of us ignore our feelings. We tend to work over them, to drink, eat, workout, or whatever else over them. When you feel lonely say out loud “I feel lonely!” You may be surprised how fast your emotions can work through you. Rather than avoiding your feelings and numbing out with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, by acknowledging and owning your feelings, you can process them and move from loneliness, to sadness, to contentedness, and on to happiness much faster.
Repeat: “There is nothing wrong with me.”
Just because you are single doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. Valentine’s Day tends to bring out all the insecurities that we ignored from past relationships. If you are alone this holiday, remember it doesn’t mean you have to be lonely. You can surround yourself with friends who lift you up. Use this time to do what you love and practice self care.
Staying or getting into a relationship because it is convenient, safe or familiar is not a reason to stay together. To cultivate a powerful expression of passionate love you must first practice loving yourself fully.
Here are more fun tips from my book Find Your Happy that can help you be happier in the moment. You won’t need a romantic partner when you are passionately in love with your life!
- Create a vision board of your hopes and dreams.
- Tap into your inner child, maybe pull out the sidewalk chalk and get creative outside, finger paint, or make mud pies.
- Buy yourself a bouquet of flowers or a box of your favorite chocolates
- Do something you’ve never done before.
- Do something nice for yourself, such as taking a long, hot bath with candles and bath salts.
- Treat yourself to a spa day. (Men – this applies to you too)
- Make an “I ROCK” playlist and throw yourself a dance party
- Spend time in nature
- Cuddle with your furry friend
- Challenge yourself, do something outside of your comfort zone.
Although Valentine’s Day can be kind of depressing if you don’t have a Valentine, I know from experience it can also be a lot of fun, so focus on the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives. Then you will be happy to be your own Valentine. After all, you sparkle just being you.
