Learning from the Darkness – Overcoming Painful Addictions

I have gained and lost the same sixty pounds for the past 22 years. I was anorexic, bulimic, a food addict, a compulsive overeater, a sugar addict, and have been sixty pounds overweight, as well as 30 pounds underweight.

I’ve tried every diet ever created by man, including my own concoctions. All of them worked for a couple days, sometimes for as much as 6 months, but every single time, they stopped working.

My problem was not the physical weight on my body; it was the emotional weight in my head.

When you feel ugly and fat, diets become seductive. My thoughts consumed me, “If I could just fit into my skinny jeans, my life would be great.”

Until this point in my life I have only considered three options:

• Liposuction which goes against everything I believe, is expensive and not permanent
• Yet another diet where I will inevitably gain all the weight back and more
• Mental flogging where I continue to feel guilty, eat more, and end up gaining even more weight

These choices serve only to keep me in a vicious cycle of self-abuse and sabotage.

Unfortunately, our culture celebrates thinness, while linking fatness to undesirable traits such as unworthiness, ugliness and laziness. I have struggled with my weight in the same way.

For the past 22 years I have attached my self worth to my body weight. Until recently I thought I had my body issues under control, but then something happened that brought up those same thoughts of unworthiness and fear of not measuring up. My thoughts triggered intense feelings of insecurity and self-doubt, which pulled me right back into my eating disorders.

Over the holiday frenzy, I gave into every attack and let food get the best of me. I know that as a recovering food addict, relapses are part of the process, but it doesn’t make them easier.

During this holiday season, I started to feel an immense amount of guilt and disappointment; after all, I am a self-help author who teaches people how to be happier. I wondered, “Am I a fraud or am I human?”

I gained 5 pounds in 3 days and crept up another pant size. Disgusted with myself, I realized there had to be a better way. Looking deeper into this issue, I realized I had an opportunity to learn from this pain. I realized that my old behavior was no longer serving me. It was time for a change.

If I really wanted to grow and learn, I had to look at the situation differently. Rather than mentally berating myself for my behavior, I could choose love and compassion. By showering the situation with love, I was able to heal much faster. I forgave myself and moved on more easily.

If you are struggling with any area of your life, these tips can help.

Look at What you Gain

After analyzing my behaviors and motivation for compulsive overeating, I saw that deep down behind it was my desire for protection. By eating more, I built up a physical layer of fat to protect me from the bullies in third grade and the harsh troubling world, not to mention my desire to be heard, seen and acknowledged. Subconsciously I was thinking that  maybe if I physically weighed more, people would notice me.

Look at your own life and what you gain from your behaviors.  If you do not perceive a benefit from them, you can more easily stop the behaviors.

Face Your Fears

I know that I want to feel good in my body; I want to be vibrant, healthy, comfortable, and at my natural body weight.  As it turns out, I realized I’m scared of that. I’ve spent two thirds of my life being comfortable with being “uncomfortable” in my body. Even though I want what’s on the other side of this weight, I am scared. What if I fail? Or more profoundly, what if I succeed? What if I get everything I ever wanted?

I came across this quote by Marianne Williamson that seemed to fit this situation.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. … Your playing small does not serve the world.”

As you step into 2013, look at where you are playing small. Where in your life are you uncomfortable? Ask yourself what you are afraid of? What is really on the other side of that fear? Ultimately fear just tries to protect us from the unknown, so get clear about your desires and the fear that stands in the way.

Be Where You Are

Let go of past success and failures; part of my challenge was holding onto my illusion of who I was in the past. I used to be a hard-core endurance athlete and my body was much different than it is today. By holding on to past success and failures, we focus on situations that are no longer relevant. To feel true peace, you need to practice being present and accepting where you are.

Don’t Focus on Your Problem

What if I approached my food and my body in a new manner? What if I looked at myself with kindness, compassion, love and respect?

As I strengthen my healthy self, the less the “problem” persists. If we focus on our problems, inevitably they become bigger, but if we focus on solutions, we get more solutions.

With any addiction or problem we can lesson its grip by focusing on the solution rather than the problem.

The Journey is The Reward

Before my epic binge fest, I naively believed that there was a “there” to get to. Once I reached my goal weight, I would meet the man of my dreams, my parents would finally understand me, and my career would sky rocket. Over the past 22 years, each time that I have met my goal weight I have still felt unworthy, unloved and ugly…and then the weight came back. I now can see that the weight is just a manifestation of my emotional turmoil. I can learn from the pain and let it be my teacher. Each relapse is a chance to grow and learn. I can be more proactive, less reactive. Look at your own situation and ask if you are waiting for something to happen before you can be happy? The real magic exists in the moment, and understanding that the entire process is the reward.